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[19 Oct 2007|08:52pm] |
i've always wanted to be a good friend.
the only problem is the good friend part.
sometimes i think the closest people to you will only let you so far in to their lives. and its not because they don't like you , though thats a possibility, it could be the walls or the distance or the person or personality--yours or theirs. we strive, even loners strive for people to talk to.
I don't know why its so hard. i think that these days we've made it a point to be apart from each other but at the same time so close. if im not close to you i can always talk to you or do some kind of web cam or send pictures through my phone or send you a video message. with all this, the interaction is only skin deep. we've reduced the conversation to small talk, asking about work or school or what they did last weekend.
seldom do we reach that muscle tissue and find out the troubling issues about the person and rarer still is when we care to listen.
its funny to be someone who cares to listen and find people who don't care to share. i think sometimes people can feel so lost during these moments. i warn you i offer no help.
I heard from a friend today that the reason why people are splitting up after marriage is because when they marry they do it because they love each other. I thought to myself for a minute and wondered what was wrong with that. She said that its a problem because the kids that get married so young they don't allow themselves to grow with each other. they divorce because they can't cope and be friends. one of them doesn't want to listen and the other wants to share.
isn't that a frightful way to fall? to feel so distant from someone whom you used to feel apart of.
I imagine it to feel like dying, a divorce between body and soul; one wants to stay with the present and one wants to move on with life but the two can't survive with out the other. the relationship dies.
what do you call it...marrying for love? do you still call it marriage if you know its going to end?
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[18 Oct 2007|10:56pm] |
I'm Jealous of Fairy Tales.
the beautiful person meeting the shy meek hero.
and the narrator, i wish my life had a narrator that i could listen to. something that summed up my day and came to some moral conclusion. or made flash backs to some earlier lesson that i had learned and somehow i could reflect on that lesson so i wouldn't make or know what i was doing when i made the same mistake. And then something else would happen and the narrator would talk and i would learn another lesson about life.
i would most like the second line of this entry. that would be enough, the narrator would be the cherry on top.
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[14 Oct 2007|11:52pm] |
What do you call the place you hate? Hell?
I hate this place. Atlanta.
I couldn't tell you one thing i hated the most about it.
It could be thats in Bible Belt America. it could be the people, the two faced sonsofbitches who don't grasp the idea of artificial. it could be the pollution, the traffic, the idea that success is governed by the amount of $ you have or the type of car that you drive. How greatness is shadowed by success. It could be the homeless people, the priest, the addicts, the faithful, the prostitutes, the lovers, the pimps or the liars. It could be the SUVs, the AUDIs, the BMWs, the ricers or NASCAR. it could be the yellowbrown cloud that rest ontop of where i live. or the 10 lane road packed with 10,000 cars. or mainstream america.
i hate it. this place is a black hole which i can't escape. it sucks the life out of me. atlanta is the jail cell and the guard with the key left. im starving and alone and im dying to be fed.
You can hear the screams from the others who want to get out of this hell hole, you just can't see them or touch them or tell them it will be ok. to them you are just a ghost an angel giving false promises of freedom.
This place is poisoned, im afraid that i've taken in to much. im waiting for death to sweep me away and take me to a better place.
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[09 Oct 2007|01:48am] |
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i believe in happiness, and caring, and friendship, and hope, and dreams, and life, and feeling, and beauty and i believe that you can have all these for one person. i believe thats what love would be. but I hate the word. we can start out by saying "I love you." then it turns out being something/someone we can't get enough time away from. We cheat we divorce we abuse we hate the ones we love, we can't sum it all into a word. why love, if love is the only thing we felt? there has't to be something else greater words won't explain.
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[11 Jun 2007|09:44am] |
This was my first semester at ga. state.
i can't remember the last time i had posted to this thing.
since i have focused my major on philosophy i finally feel like i have a place to allow myself to grow. the only problem is, now that im learning all this new and wonderful knowledge how am i going to apply it to my after graduating life?
i have taken 2 maymester classes, which i think i failed both of them. but im also taking 3 summer semester classes W. Studies which focuses on Lesbians, History of Philosophy, and Survey of US History (as required by the State of GA).
there is more to this but i'll have to write it later because i have to go to class.
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[22 Apr 2007|08:57pm] |
sooo. its been a while.
recently i have met a girl named Becca.
she and i are becoming wonderful friends.
she lives in kennesaw which means im driving
up there because she doesn't drive. which is alright
with me.
i have a podcast on my myspace. you need to listen
to it. so far i only have a few viewers but all
of them like it loads.
i talk about news and music. i still need ideas about things
to talk about.
i had lots to drink friday, very sick yesterday, recovered and feel better today.
slept 13.5 hours and had to wake up to my alarm.
went grocery shopping. they have soy turkey, veganaise (vegan mayo), tofurkey, and soy cheese, and potato bread, so i made a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo. and it was good for me! haha. did you know oreos are vegan friendly? i didn't for a while.
i hope all is well with everyone.
love.
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[25 Mar 2007|06:51am] |
Why can i not find something
to keep my mind off of you?
You are not anything special
or that great a kisser.
It might be something in your eyes
or that thing you do with your hair and hands.
I close my eyes, I can see your smile.
We had something hotter than the stars.
After awhile when stars get old, they explode before
your eyes and come crashing down towards the ground.
When we hit it left a scar on us both.
You didn't look back when you left that night.
All I could do was breathe heavy and try not to cry.
Somedays I'll see you drinking coffee at the shoppe;
I act like I don't notice you, even when you call out my name.
I step outside to smoke so i can see you through the windows.
I ask myself, "What the hell did i just do?"
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[24 Mar 2007|11:42pm] |
I've found myself in way over my head.
I can't seem to seperate
from those i hate.
they are the only friends i have.
I am to passive for my taste.
I sit and take the heartbreaking
comments they make.
What am I supposed to do when i leave them?
Muster the guts to tell them to fuck off.
Im drowning and suffocating
in a plastic bag i've placed over my head.
Maybe it will cling to my nostrals and mouth.
And the deepest breath won't bring in
the slightest life saving air.
my face will turn blue
i'll shiver and shake and
then drift away.
Im dying to be saved
but just dying instead.
I can't sleep, i just
toss and turn.
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[10 Feb 2007|05:49pm] |
today is the 10th. 34 days i will be 21.
I have not updated in some time. mostly
because nothing ever happens. I work and
then i go to school, when im not in school
i sleep. I am currenly trying to teach my
self piano but i have not practiced in a
week. Im reading Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac.
this is my favourite book. It really helps
with visualizing my Buddhism. Jack k. was
Buddhist and reading the book makes the
idea all the more real.
Today, Sadness, Illness and idleness consume me.
I want to make an Avent-Garde film, i have the idea
in my head the hard part is filming it.
more on the sadness: i don't know why im sad, there is nothing to be sad for. i guess its the sickness. Its one of those days when i want to fall of the earth. This is only brief, the sickness and the sadness will pass. I'll continue out the day and hopefully things will improve.
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[08 Jan 2007|11:17am] |
So i tried to pay for classes on the 4th and at that time it said that i didn't have to pay for classes because i didnt have anything to pay. So i checked back today and i have been dropped from all my classes. so they are making me register and i have to register for this specific class before i can register for any other. All of those classes are full. I have been on hold with the school for over an hour now.
This is frustrating.
I may not be attending school this semester.
This pisses me off.
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[02 Jan 2007|12:04am] |
I met a girl
im seeing her tomorrow.
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[29 Dec 2006|07:43pm] |
florida is terribly boring.
we have been sitting around the house for hours.
1. Because nothing else to do.
2. The car broke down with my mum
3. We are having trouble finding a rental car.
Good news to all this:
My mum might trade in her car for a new one.
We were going to go to the 'Red Bar' but the car hates
either my dad or my mum.
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| Post Christmas Spirit |
[27 Dec 2006|10:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
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| [ |
music |
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Christmas music in the other room. |
] |
It has been months since i have last posted in my journal.
Its a few days after christmas and i am spending "quality"
time with my family. (thats a lie, i spend most of my day
with my brother playing xbox.) this morning at 530 my uncle
and i left to go hunting. My cousin said that i was the
strangest vegan he had ever known because what other vegan
would want to go hunting? I have lost 25 pounds so I'm
happy.
Tomorrow will be thursday and it will be 2 months since
i became a vegan. I love it and everyone can tell a
difference in the way i think, look(mainly because of my
weight) and the clarity of my skin and hair.
I finished gpc forever! im going to ga state next month;
still majoring in philosophy. I think i might add Public
Health to my major so i can join the Peace Corps when I
graduate with my Masters.
I hope everyone is doing quite well with everything.
love.
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| Morals |
[19 Oct 2006|10:26pm] |
So in philosophy class we talked about natural law and natural rights.
Corwin came up with the idea that:
As a rational human we can understand that it is part of human nature to better ourselves, and make it easier for us to live.
But you might think that this is all in self interest.
Yes I agree.
But if you follow Hobbes idea that without governmental law and rules that we would fall in to a Hobbesian State. Which is best understood in as the way the children acted in the novel "Lord of the Flies" By William Golding. Its a total chaos where every being in existence is in self interest that that is human nature.
So based on Hobbes and Golding being self interested is in human nature; bettering the way of life because of self interest is a totally natural thing. So any invention that human kind makes to better life is a natural thing, thus making any machine or medical invention purely natural.
With this reasoning i don't see why some religious groups wouldn't start using medicine where before they would see medicine as an unnatural thing.
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[06 Oct 2006|08:56pm] |
so, i cleaned so much today that
i didn't want to come home.
i didn't want the dirt from my
shoes to track in to my house,
so i too them off before i came
inside. my table broke that im
currently typing on so i
designed a new one. and as soon
as i pay off my speeding ticket
i'll start building it.
i work 23 hours next week
possibly 30 depending on people
not showing up. im the first person
they call when someone doesn't show up.
i found a suit jacket tonight that
im going to buy, although its 325$
and the matching pants are 148$.
but my 50% off will work for me.
i have a date tomorrow but im
nervous about it because i thought
that she was my age when really, i learned,
she is nine years older.
my loft, its so clean you can still smell
the "Comet" and cleaning detergents
i used. im scared to cook or do anything
that might mess up my kitchen, its so clean.
im going to write Bekah a letter.
and i have been thinking about Suzie lately,
because i have not spoken to her in a while.
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[25 Sep 2006|08:38pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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So i recently denounced my belief in christianity.
someone asked me today if i could do that, i said
i did.
so i consider myself agnostic now, which means
i believe that there is a god i don't believe that
it is the christian god.
a lot of people take agnosticism to mean that i
don't know. I do know.
so i have a very high interest in Buddhism.
it seems very right to me. I love the feeling
after i meditate and things like that.
and since i denounced my christianity i feel
like i have a larger impact on the world around me
and i feel like i can see things more clearly.
Buddhism is an agnostic "religion" and its very
existential(sp?) which means that everything
is everything
there is no self
there is no thing.
everything has an impact on its surroundings.
its such an amazing thought process.
so i think i might convert.
im still thinking about it.
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[07 Sep 2006|11:34pm] |
dog just shat all over my house.
FUCK!!!
so i took him out to walk
and i cried i was so mad
and depressed.
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[07 Sep 2006|11:05pm] |
im depressed.
girl didn't come to class
and i make the "sam mistake"
again. i don't get her number.
so no weekend with her, no
dinner with her.
my air hasn't worked in a
week. which means the coldest,
if you can call it cold
has ben 85f at night. when i
try and sleep. try is key
word there.
i tried to look for fans from
my parents house. found one
but no one would help me
find more, they actually
refused to help. not like
oh im sure you will find it
if you look. but more like
actually saying im not going
to help you find a fan for your
loft.
then when i do find a second fan
they say oh dont use that one its
to dangerous. what if the dog
tries to play with it?
Well goddamnit drivings dangerous at
night, living is dangerous, it always
leads to death. Death is the out come
of all fatal accidents. i'll put
the dog in the dog house in my
room so he doesn't play with the
spinning blades of fucking death.
damn all the drivers that almost
made me have an accident tonight
which was 6, i wasn't even speeding.
damn the people who bullshit to my
face. like the guy who has been "trying"
to fix my air for the past week. He
says he is sorry, but he forgets.
Well i don't fucking forget when i
get 2 hours of sleep a night.
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[05 Sep 2006|02:22pm] |
i have a dinner date with a
girl that i went to school
with in the third grade.
its been 11 years, and we
are going to cook for
each other.
sounds fun!!!
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[19 Aug 2006|10:43pm] |
new camera!!!
Pentax K100D 6.1 MP SLR!!!
I love it!
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